So I just read a very good blog post by Daniel Decker (danieldecker.net) about complaining.

He suggests the implementation of a “no complaining” rule. The point of this rule, is something that I’ve practiced for all of my professional life. And that is. You don’t get to complain about something, with out offering a solution.

This is NOT to say that the solutions are always acted on. (Though in my case they usually are, I have good ideas.). What is critical to making a “no complaining” rule work is for management to a. recognize the “complainer” and their problem and b. act on the suggestion, offer a compromise, or lastly, and very rarely, decline the solution, and offer an explaniation why the solution isn’t workable.

Taking these types of complainers seriously can really benefit a companies bottom line, as well as just plain making a managers job easier. It starts with recognizing that these people, the “squeaky wheels” are really one of your companies greatest assets.

Because they are “in the trenches” as it were, your employees have a unique perspective that allows them to see inefficiencies, and potential stumbling blocks that others, especially managers, may not see until it’s too late. Many times a delay in production is well know to the people doing the production long before the delay becomes a problem. Back at a time when there is still time for a solution.

Too many times, I think that manager’s don’t realize, or see, the potential in a “complaint”. A complaint really is an opportunity for improvement. And even if the “complaint” doesn’t come with a solution, by encouraging problem solving, asking questions, and responding to employee suggestions thoughtfully, you will create better “problem solvers” in your entire work force.

If you have hired good workers (and you have, right?) they are going to WANT to do their jobs in the best, and most effect way possible. No one wants to do a job the slow way, and hopefully you have hired people who also want to do the job well. Because they DO it, everyday, if allowed, most people will naturally develop more efficient strategies to accomplish a task.

Too many times, I’ve seen managers who are too wrapped up in a top down dictatorial system. I don’t know if it’s fear of being seen as impotent, or lacking leadership, or what. But the best leaders know how to effectively collaborate with their followers, creating a synergy where everything just works better.

So, when one of your employees comes to you, with a complaint, or a concern, try listening. Resist the urge to defend your self, or the process from “attack” and see where you and they share a common goal. Try and resist the urge to kill an idea with out hearing it though, and realize, that when you listen to, respect, and respond to your employees “complaints” (and ideas). You will have a more positive, engaged, and effective workforce, which will make your whole department, (and you as the boss) look better, and do better work. Everyone wins.

In the Saturday morning panel of SexTech 2001, I was excited to hear from the producers of MTV’s hit show, 16 and pregnant, and also, a show I find just as interesting, maybe more so, Teen Mom. This panel was moderated by Dr. Jeff Livingston.

Amongst this seemingly exceptionally diverse and sex-positive crowd I was surprised at the level of negativity the producers and show received. Everything from “You don’t have enough diversity” to “you pay the girls” and “you capitalize on peoples real life drama”.

Of corse I have opinions on all those things, but the one that hit me the hardest was “it’s not an accurate depiction of the teen mom experience.” Because the thing is…I was a teen mom.

I don’t mean to say that I speak for all former and current teen moms. Or that others have the same experience and choices that I had. But I think it might be beneficial for me to share my story. Especially now, from the place of relative safety, security, and hindsight that I now have.

In the beginning:

Now, one of the things the doctor moderating the panel mentioned was, in counseling his teen patients, he asks “was this pregnancy planned?” followed by “what birth-control method where you using”. The doctors, and others seem mystified by the fact that the answers are “No, I wasn’t planning to get pregnant” and “No, I wasn’t using birth-control”. No one understands WHY teens who SEEM to understand the necessity of birth-control don’t use it.

When I was 15, and pregnant with my oldest daughter, I know I answered the same way. And here is my secret. It’s not at ALL true. I think this is true of MANY teen pregnancies. Teens aren’t stupid. They KNOW how to prevent pregnancy. And I think we as adults put to much weight on the “it won’t happen to me” idea. Because we don’t want to look at the reality. Which is MANY teen girls get pregnant on purpose. MANY more than admit it. I certainly would have NEVER admitted it. Not to my parents, not to my doctor. Not even to my friends. It’s been 19 years, and I’m still nervous typing that. There is just FAR to much judgement attached to that statement.

How ever, I think it’s important to say, because I don’t think we can crack the nut of teen pregnancy (or “unplanned” teen pregnancy”) until we can get really REAL about why teens make the choices they do. And what that choice REALLY is.

So I thought, I’ll open up a little, and tell my story.

I grew up in very impoverished conditions. The kind of conditions many people don’t know exist in the US. I’m the oldest of 5 girls. For most of my life we lived in the country, on a commune. (Yes, like with hippies). Though my family was very religious, drug use was rampant in our small community. I was home-schooled, and nearly all of our food was grown our selves (this includes meat, from our animals which we butchered). My clothes where hand-me-downs, or sewn by my mom. Being the oldest I got new shoes every year, a pair of plain canvas tennis shoes. We lived without TV, electricity, or indoor plumbing. Hot water came from a large kettle heated on a wood stove and light from kerosene lanterns.

My mother and father both suffered from depression and most of the time our house was in a state that I can only describe as squalor. My father worked only sporadically, as transportation into town was difficult and expensive. My mother didn’t work.

But I wasn’t a dumb kid. I had friends outside of the commune, friends who went to public school, friends who lived in houses with electric light and heat and TV and flush toilets. As soon as I was 13, I started baby sitting for other church members who lived on the nearby Air Force base. I was a good baby sitter. Naturally responsible, and with lots of experience, having cared for my 4 younger sisters. I liked kids ok, but it was the clean houses, the HEAT, the showers and the nicely trimmed lawns that kept me coming back. I babysat as MUCH as I could, eventually landing a gig helping one of the moms while her husband was away on active duty. I lived with them on the base for several months, babysitting while the mom was at work. Durning this time I started dating another homeschool student. His parents where also very religious. Though it was REALLY clear to both of us that the standard was “no sex before marriage” no one addressed with us the idea that we would WANT to have sex. Or what to do with all these thoughts, feelings and fantasies overwhelming our teenage brains and bodies. So we began having sex. I don’t know how our parents didn’t know. Maybe they assumed we where “good kids”. No one said anything to us. And we used condoms, correctly, and every time.

The baby scholarship

After a couple months my job as a mother’s helper was ending. I was faced with having to go move back to the commune. I didn’t want to go. I’d seen another side of life. I wanted to live in the city, go to college, get a job, and buy a house. I didn’t see any future for my self, back at the commune. If my own father, couldn’t find a job, how would I? I couldn’t drive, my future was hopeless. And I wasn’t dumb. I knew, if I had a kid, probably my boyfriends parents would let me live with them. I knew there where programs available to help teen moms with college, and employment. So we agreed. We stopped using protection, and I got pregnant a few months later.

My mom was shocked. My dad even more so. I remember being surprised, not really understanding how they could have not known. They left us alone SO MUCH. All my friends where shocked. I was the shy, nerdy, awkward skinny girl. Most of them didn’t even know I had a boyfriend. They all asked the same question: “did you plan this?” “didn’t you know this would happen?” and I lied. Of course I did. My future was riding on it.

My gamble worked out. My boyfriends parents let me live there. I got on welfare, and WIC. I took my GED (paid for by the government) and started college (also paid for by the government).

I finished college, got a good paying job. I got married, and we bought a house. I didn’t do drugs, suffer domestic violence, or abuse or neglect my kids. I was a decent mom. (And think I’m a pretty good mom now.) This of course glosses over how hard it was. And it was hard. It was FREAKING hard. AND I had things many other teen moms don’t. I was smart and good at school. I passed my GED without really any effort. My boyfriend stuck around. My boyfriends parents were, while not encouraging, at least a little supportive. (They DID let me live there till I had the baby, their didn’t want their grandchild born in the commune.)

One of the other things that has really stuck with me, something Dr. Livingston shared, was that girls who are involved in extracurriculars don’t get pregnant. That they are involved in their life. That they see their futures in a positive way. They have hope. And that was true for me. I was hopeless about my future. I could not have articulated that to you then. I only knew that I had dreams, but saw no avenue to make them come true. I had no adult role models, no leaders to follow.

I don’t think that removing the assistance to teen moms is the answer. I don’t know what the answer is, but I feel strongly that ending teen pregnancy goes MUCH deeper than teaching correct condom usage.